Have been putting this off for days. My therapist has suggested I start this blog to help me get my thoughts and feelings in order. Don’t know about the feelings as this all seems too much. Anyway, will have a go as I don’t want to lose my job or be taken to Court. I’m not good at expressing my feelings to strangers so the idea is that I do this blog at least 3 times a week and then discuss anything I brought up with my therapist and/or share with the group. He, Stephen, the therapist, also said I can add poems (!) or music. Don’t have to keep f….g writing all the time.Yes – I can’t believe that I have to see a therapist and attend a group. It’s my birthday today. I’m feeling fed up. She didn’t send me a card and all I can think about is her – Laura. I wonder what she’s doing now. Keep thinking of that Frank Sinatra song “Goodbye”.
Went out last night with Steve and Jim. They told me I’ve got to get my head sorted out and find somebody else and why not try a dating site cause that gives me options. Can just walk away if I see her and don’t fancy the look of her. Had too much to drink and walked back to the flat. Thought I saw her and got a quick photo of her.
Well, it wasn’t her, but she’s got that hair (that rhymes! – brilliant). Had a dream about her last night. Too angry to write more. Group tomorrow night. Might take the photo; might not. God, what a pain, all this group and therapy stuff is making it worse!!
Group tonight. They weren’t interested in the photo. Julie said I’m getting obsessive and she agrees with Laura that I’m stalking her. Nearly walked out of the group. It’s not stalking just because I walked past Laura’s place. I had to go and get some stuff from the Tesco Express and that’s the quickest way.
What did I see in her in the first place? Tom, the group leader said we often choose someone who reminds us of our parents. Laura’s nothing like mum. Mum had nearly black hair when she was young and she’s smaller than Laura anyway. The only thing they’re alike in is enjoying reading novels and writing stories and poems.
Laura wrote me a poem once
How does he feel?
His sensuality pleases me,
And when I touch his smooth and silky skin
It makes me want to take him in.
Sinuously sexual, he holds me close.
Soothing and enfolding me
He weaves his spell, bewitches me;
Knows that when he touches me
I want to lose my sense of self with him.
I liked that. It made me feel wanted. Now I don’t.
Mothers Day so went to see mum and dad. Mum’s worried about me – says I’m working too hard. Didn’t stay too long, don’t want to be interrogated as mum always looks on the black side. Back at flat went on Facebook, seeing if any of her friends have made any comments about her and me. They’ve all blocked me as well now so I can’t message any of them to ask how she is or will they put in a good word for me. Saw post on Get Surrey page. Big fire on Horsell Common. That was our favourite place.
Must show the group one of the photos. Everything’s being destroyed. Can’t see the point of doing this blog and being in therapy.
We did an exercise in the group tonight where we had to choose someone else from the group and then talk about how our parents expressed anger. It’s funny but Maria and I chose each other and it turned out that we had the same experiences. Made me think about Laura’s letter, when she wrote that it wouldn’t have worked because our names sounded too similar. That’s stupid. We’re just right for each other. Similar names proves it. It’s as if she’s an extension of me and we merge together. Now she wants to cut if off. What did I do wrong? I’ll email her again.
Bike ride with the others. Dropped off at the Common on the way back. Could smell the smoke as I rode up the centre path so followed it. It’s just beyond the air-field where I used to fly the plane I made. Looks desolate, blackened, abandoned.
It’s all gone to ashes.
Laura hasn’t replied to my email.